I’m sorry if this is very heavy. I needed to write this down. In future our kids or their kids will have the ability to pin an emotion to a post. Right now I just have to hope I have the words to try and explain this.
I was in the car on the way to work, after dropping off Kira at school, when I had this tremendous feeling or acknowledgement of this ferocity of life and the force with which it will move forward, even when you wish you could just freeze a moment.
I paused and reflected (in traffic…there was ample time). In these last weeks before Luca arrives I catch myself regularly looking at how Jaco loves Kira: how they play, how she laughs out of her belly, how she completely and utterly trusts him when she jumps or falls into his arms or flops over knowing he’ll not let her drop to the ground. I catch my own actions as I allow her space to test and try. Some of those moments she would do something new or I would see her understand something better, or she would very creatively adjust a game just enough to give it a brand new twist…how precious is that?
I’m sitting in the car, the traffic is edging forward a meter at a time. I run over what I need to accomplish for the day, and against the back-drop of where my mind just was it seems to have very little significance. In the last 2 years and 10 months (Kira’s age + one normal pregnancy) I have grown more as a human than I have ever grown in my 20 years building this career.
Time management, patience, perseverance, perspective…I thought I had these skills down before I had Kira. The fact that even the way I love has changed seems to be matter-of-fact. Having coffee with unattached friends quickly highlights how far the two of us have come.
Last night Jaco and Kira were playing around again and for the slightest of moments I got to just look at him and everything in me wanted to freeze time. I love him so much. I care for him even more now than I thought was possible for another human. I understood this feeling towards Kira. Nature makes sure that as a mom your maternal instincts assures this feeling. What I feel for Jaco now is because of the Dad he is and the safety he provides for our family. I appreciate him and in getting to see the depths with which he cares for us, I have grown in my admiration and respect for him as the head of this household.
Becoming a parent was easily the scariest, most exciting, most underestimated, hardest, easiest, most natural, most edifying, most enlightening experience of my and his life. I’m not sure I would have really known myself or us without it. I AM sure I don’t want to ever change any of this, no matter how rough and dirty it gets (and it does…often). I would just love to have more time with them. I understand where my priorities are now and it’s because the greatest amount of value flows from feeding the desire to be with them.
But first, let’s go meet a deadline or two. That time will come.